Hit You Baby One More Time? I'd Love To

Admit it: there's something genuinely appealing about watching a train wreck.

OK, maybe not an actual train. Those are just innocent people - I wish no ill for any of them. All they're trying to do is get from point A to point B. Maybe from work to home... Here's to wishing them all a safe journey.

But what about Evil Canevil? The guy revs up his motorcycle to jump over twenty cars, and there's a little piece of me hoping he doesn't make it. That is why we watch these things, right?

Screeching tires? You look.
Pass by an accident? You look.
We all look.
We can't help it.

And so, when I heard Vanilla Ice was going to cover a Destiny's Child song on national TV... well... that was a train wreck I had to see.

The show is NBC's "Hit Me Baby One More Time," where they dredge up one hit wonders like Tommy Tutone to cover current artists like Blink 182. And sure, I got my train wreck - a few of them in fact. But even worse than hearing the guy from The Knack do belly flop off a high note that wasn't even supposed to be in the song he was covering... even worse than watching Haddaway lie down on stage trying to look sexy...

...worse than that was watching the host of this program as he stood on stage looking like a deer in the headlights. I was honestly embarrassed for the guy (and for the network! Oh how the mighty have fallen.)

The host is some nameless British fellow with bad hair and a high volume delivery. As he introduced The Motels with gusto more appropriate for doing color at a soccer match, I realized he'd do a kickass job of front-selling the Apocalypse. "Yes it is unbelievable! With flames leaping out from everywhere, I can promise you it is indeed going to be a hot night in the city!"

I looked at this man and thought "What are you saying? Do you even know what you're talking about? Or who you're talking to?!? HELLO!!! I'm over HERE! I just watched the same performance you did. Tommy Tutone singing Blink 182's "All The Small Things" wasn't 'awesome.' It was bad. That's why I watched for chrissssakes!!!! I came for the trainwrecks, and I got plenty of 'em thankyouverymuch."

...But he's not talking to me or anyone else. He's just saying stuff. All style, no substance (not really that much style to be honest).

And that's why the show sucks. Not like it matters... It's just a summer filler show on the network ranked in fourth place among what used to be the big three. But it sucks, and it shouldn't.

Many struggling radio stations suck for the same reason. They're just sayin' stuff. Words for the sake of words, but nothing more.

There's a train-wreck radio station I keep an eye on that is more or less an audio version of that show. I never said I didn't enjoy the music on the show. It was personality that was lacking. And sincerity. This radio station is the same. The imaging in particular is slicker than slick, but what the heck are they saying? And who are they talking to? Are they talking to anyone?!?

They're not. They're just talking. And they've got the ratings to prove it.

What amazes me is that this once monster station is all but dead and they're doing nothing about it. Oh sure, tinker here, tinker there. New slogan, different voice guy, a change in promo rotation (a :20 coming out of spots instead of a :30 going in)...

...but if *I* don't notice a difference, will the average listener?

Lose the imaging with fifteen different voices and thirty five sound effects. Figure out who your core listener is and talk to her. Seriously. TALK to her. It's like dating. Win her over. See if you can at least get her number - or give her yours and convince her to use it (as the case may be).

Be genuine. Be sincere.

My point is that your image shouldn't be that dorky suit wearing guy with bad hair who's got nothing to say but plenty of oomph when it comes to saying it. His show on NBC will be gone before you know it - and so will your radio station unless you step up and say 'You know what? Maybe this whole irreverent thing is done. What if we tried being real?'

...what if.