Bored Bored Bored

God am I bored. Bored bored bored. And I'm not the only one. Look how many of our colleagues are bored. Oh yes, spring is on the way. It's the return of those concert ticket giveaways. Caller number ten wins blah blah blah with a dialtone sound effect & big voiceguy announcing the number.

NEWSFLASH: Big voice guy is bored too. We should hear him when the mic is off.

A few quick gripes: Alternative radio shouldn't sound like freaking AOR with younger artists dammit. Your P1's are young men nearing or experiencing their first taste of adulthood. CHR imaging shouldn't sound like rock imaging with pop hooks. CC CHR's are notorious for this in my opinion. HOT/AC should indeed be hot! Damn! She's 30, not 60. Where's the personality? Where's the excitement?

Forget about the raging indecency debate for a moment and simply consider the following based on talent: Where are our next generation of Howard Sterns and Mancows? Where's the next Bubba The Love Sponge? The next Rick Dees? They're waiting to be found - by someone else. Maybe they'll end up doing live theatre or maybe they'll star in bad soaps. Maybe they're doing stand up at the local comedy club. I don't know where they are, but I can tell you where they're not: 87.5 to 107.9 fm, that's where they're not.

Don't get me wrong, radio has got some superstar talent. I know of some phenomenal jocks and brilliant programers, including some who are completely underutilized, unemployed, and some names to watch in the years ahead. But even IF creative entertainment based music radio were to make a comeback, there's not enough talent left to go around. And that's a big "if."

We've backed ourselves into a corner. Our tools got so much better - computers, research, equipment - and our resources were stripped from the budget - meanwhile, competition for the time of our listeners sprung up everywhere.

PROBLEM #1: MUSIC.

Is there any song in your playlist so special that it merits listing to 18 minutes an hour of commercials to hear? We're spinning these records as if the records are the be all and end all of our radio stations. Dear god, please tell me that's not the case! Oh, but it is. We have this ignorant music mentality because we come from a different era, and we refuse to let go - even as the general public does.

When I was a kid, there was no MTV. No satellite radio. No mp3's to trade by instant messenger. No iPods or internet radio... there weren't even music videos for chrissakes. Video didn't kill the radio star. WE did, by failing to evolve.

PROBLEM #2: FORMATS.

We define what we will and won't play NOT based on the tastes of our listeners. No. More often than not, we make these decisions based on the expectations of the industry. This format mentality is killing us all. Ask yourself the following question: Is your radio station about the record industry, or is it about listeners? Set up clear goals based on the core audience you want to win. Know your audience. Then entertain them based on their tastes and interests rather than the expectations of industry. What's more important: To be true to your format, or to create a passionate loyal audience among your target audience? This is especially true in female formats.

PROBLEM #3: THE BASICS.

I cannot BELIEVE how many broadcasters have no grasp of the basics these days! I hear PD's talk about beating the competition into spots. Hey knucklehead! You went into spots at :35, your audience went to the competition. They went into spots at :37 and your audience came back, but you were playing spots, so listeners kept surfing. You lose. If you're going to play the spots game, you need to be OUT before the competition goes IN. That's common sense. And what's with stations coming out of spots with a power? Great. You've designed your clock such that when you play your most popular record, the majority of your audience won't be there to hear it - which means that you're saving your LESS popular records for when THE MOST LISTENERS are tuned in. And don't even get me started on ten mile long slogans or promotions so complex that I can't figure out what's being given away when. Oof!

PROBLEM #4: MEDIOCRITY.

It has run rampant, and it starts at the top. How often do we see the following: A station is struggling. They hire a new PD who comes in and changes the slogan. THE SLOGAN! Meanwhile they're still spinning stack-o-stiff midcharters with a vengeance. If you're struggling, do something bold and then commit to it with all you've got for three months minimum.

PROBLEM #5: WAL-MART.

Large corporations have turned American airwaves into that happy freaking smiley faced dot from the Wal-Mart commercials.

Snappy Slogan!!! Zero Content!!! Woo hoo!!!

All too often, radio has been dumbed down to slightly below the lowest common denominator, removing all substance in the process.

The answer is to teach these rat bastards that entertainment matters above all - but in order to do that, we need local owners [who?] and smaller companies [read: not CC or Infinity] to become more entertaining than the corporate alternatives - as judged by the average listener. Sadly, that's not happening often enough.